We Americans seem to want everything fast, cheap, and good, though we can’t always get all three. For example, if you want fast, cheap, and good food, you could try McDonald’s, but you’d only get fast and cheap.

For a good meal, you’d need to go to a restaurant or cook at home. I prefer chefs to cooks and waitpersons to counter staff. I’ll pay more for “good” and I’ll wait for a great meal. After all, you get what you pay for.

But if you’re worried about being buried in a piano case and people are starting to count the rings around your stomach to guess your age, you can always find a fast, cheap and “good” crash diet to shed those pesky pounds.

So why not try the 7-day, all-you-can-eat diet or South Beach diet or, all else failing, the Russian Air Force diet, featuring lots of red meat? One of them might work for you. Better, of course, is a magical pill that helps you become the firmer, slimmer “you” you’ve always envisioned – while you’re sleeping.

How about those self-help courses offered by prominent, prosperous people? In today’s instant-makeover culture, that old-fashioned idea of “good enough” has fallen prey to the tyranny of self-improvement.

So, for instance, entrepreneurial author Jack Canfield and friends have provided 85 (!) Chicken Soup for the Soul books (including Chicken Soup for the Horse-Lover’s Soul), and a multi-billion dollar industry now provides opportunities to get away for a day, get “pumped,” and return to your daily routine feeling really good about yourself.

Despite those fast, cheap and good promises, however, we Americans are still fatter, more depressed, and more in debt than ever before. Go figure.

How about a quick dose of religion? Need a church you can “join” easily – without much effort, cost, time, or commitment? Why not get in the car and motor to a drive-in church? After all, the “pews” there can be very comfortable. Heated leather seats, plenty of legroom, and a recliner option you can’t find in those stiff, wooden pews in regular churches. A lot of Americans want their spirituality boost fast, cheap, and good.

Feeling poorly educated? Why not get that college degree you always wanted? Simply mail $300 to some Ohio convict and he’ll mail you a Ph.D. diploma, so you can stand out among your peers. Why bother with all that fuss about attending classes, writing term papers, and other pesky inconveniences, when you can have that sheepskin now – easily and affordably?

Or if you need to learn a new language – say, Italian – why bother with taking classes for a year or visiting Italy, when you can take a crash course in Italian from Berlitz? A friend of mine told me that when the course began, he couldn’t speak more than a few words in Italian and, at the end, he couldn’t speak more than a handful of words in English, either. Now, he wants to learn Italian in his sleep. It’s so much easier and convenient.

Lonely, depressed, in need of a significant other? For some real romance on a budget, look into all those opportunities provided by media happiness hucksters, who all promise they’ll match you to Mr. Right or Ms. Right Now – quickly, conveniently, and inexpensively.

And if you do find Mr. Right or Ms. Right Now – and it doesn’t work out – there are lots of divorce options that are fast, cheap and good. Just spend a mere $99 for a quick consultation with a readily available attorney and you’ll get out of that nuisance-some relationship. No hassles. No problems.

Interested in getting rich – fast? Attend one of those readily available stock market or real estate seminars, designed to boost you from the hoi polloi to the ranks of the rich and famous.

You, too, can learn how to quadruple your modest stock market investments overnight or seize opportunities to snap up under-priced or foreclosed properties (sometimes owned by unemployed or sick folks). It’s the lure of the easy buck and it’s all there for the taking!

Need some accurate, current information? Sure, you can get fast, free abundant data from the Internet. But when something is free, its economic value is often worthless. I say, visit a library. Your quest for current, reliable information usually takes a little time and effort.

Fast, cheap, and good? It’s not that easy. Remember – you get what you pay for.

Reach Observer columnist Robert Brake at oobear@centurytel.net