Column: Great classmates but not all memories are good

Published 11:39 am Wednesday, September 14, 2022

I recently attended my 45th Willapa Valley High School reunion at Pacific Beach, Washington. We took our RV and stayed at Pacific Beach State Park, while others rented a hotel, and others a big house in which to gather.

I was nervous; I won’t lie. But seeing these classmates reminded me of how fortunate I am to have come from such a small school. It was like 45 years had not even passed and we were sitting in Ms. Lucas’ English class at Willapa Valley. Having only 39 in our graduating class allowed us all to know each other and each other’s families intimately — could recount them by name even. Phyllis and Tom, Frank and Bernice, Geri and Adolph… Of course, we respectfully called them Mr. and Mrs. And I knew not one bully from our class. We were all good friends wishing the best for each other. I think this is something unique to the class of 1977.

We only had 15 at the reunion this year. Some had other plans and many have passed on. I got to see friends that I haven’t heard from since graduating high school and also meet their spouses.

So, I never understood the mindset of a bully. I do remember the first and only time that I intentionally hurt someone’s feelings. It was in 6th grade at Lebam and I told Elizabeth with the long braids that she was fat. The second it escaped my mouth I was horrified and immediately apologized. She wasn’t having my lame apology, and I don’t blame her. I learned from this incident how it feels when you purposefully hurt someone’s feelings and how sick it makes you feel.

The subject of initiation and bullying came up in our conversations at our reunion. Eight graders have such tender feelings and are wanting to fit into the high school scene as if gliding in with skates on smooth ice. You feel you have absolutely no choice in doing the bidding of the senior students. It’s natural for people to want to join groups and fit in with their peers. They may be shocked and frightened, but lack the skills or strength to resist the pressure to endure the abuse and humiliation that is a part of hazing.

And because it is so traumatic, you think you are the only one that is asked to do embarrassing things. You think you must have done something really awful to have people hate you so much. Or possibly kids think when you are quiet that you are “stuck up.” Not so in my case. I was just extremely painfully shy, so no one needed to “take me down a peg.” I already considered myself to be the bottom rung of the self-esteem ladder. I look back and think, why was I so weak? Now I would tell them to kindly f… off.

I talked to a classmate who had similar experiences to mine at initiation. She said she still gets chills when she talks about it. It turns out I wasn’t the only one bullied that first week of 9th grade, it’s just that you think you are the only one because you are only thinking about how mortified you are personally, and you get tunnel vision. We remembered that we never told parents what went on during this harrowing week. An unspoken code of silence — or else! And we wondered — where were the adults? Were they just calmly having coffee in the teacher’s room, legs crossed, and saying, “Kids will be kids?” I remember a time when the whole gym was full of kids at lunch and someone took off a boy’s pants and threw them in the middle of the gym floor. He had to retrieve them and no adult came to his rescue. Why didn’t I stand up for him? Well, let me tell you why. You watch it and think, you know, if I stick up for this person, I will be the next victim, and I sure don’t want to be in the middle of a gym full of kids with no pants on. No, to interfere would be too intimidating and dangerous.

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It turns out I wasn’t the only one bullied that first week of 9th grade, it’s just that you think you are the only one because you are only thinking about how mortified you are personally, and you get tunnel vision.

I heard other stories of what went on in the boys PE gym class, and again, I wondered — where were the adults? Where was the teacher when a senior boy lifted one of my classmates up by the neck, pinned him to the wall, and punched him? Why was this behavior tolerated, and why were the bullies not held accountable for their meanness? Because no adults were present, some pretty unspeakable things happened that probably damaged the fragile minds of many.

I did have a nice older girl, Thea Habersetzer, rescue me from a very sad situation. Bless her heart. I was asked to stand on a chair in front of everyone in the cafeteria. Then I was told to dance. I wanted to do their bidding, but I just couldn’t do it. I froze and then turned backwards and put my hands to my face and burst into tears. Thea took me by the arm and led me away and comforted me. I was told at one point that I “had” to massage a girl’s boyfriend’s shoulders. Again, so mortifying to an extremely shy girl. Everything got quiet and all eyes were upon me, something that I have always cringed at — attention. In the girls bathroom, the principal came in and admonished me for being too sensitive. It was all in fun, he said. Obviously, he wasn’t there.

There were other things, but I think the boys had it worse than us even. I don’t know how bullies get formed — I really don’t. Obviously, parents don’t know when their children are bullies. And like, who decides one day that they are going to make it miserable for other people. Do they plan it for weeks — who they are going to “get” and what are they going to “make them do” for their entertainment? One girl was traumatized as she was made to sit on another senior boy’s lap on the school bus. I mean — someone had to be driving the damned bus, right? At one point a small group of us freshmen were told to roll an egg across the cafeteria with our noses. This was when we were still wearing dresses to school and not pajamas, so my main concern was keeping my dress down with one hand. Hard to roll an egg with your nose with only one free hand. No, I didn’t even consider refusing this order. With the lack of supervision, who knew what else they could do to me? You get this feeling of hatred inside for not only the perpetrators, but also for the bystanders that do not intervene. And this hatred can last a lifetime. At the reunion my classmate and I did talk about how we would handle it if we had been the bullies. At some point in my life, I would have reached out to the person or people that I damaged and I would have apologized. I am certain of that. I am a forgiving person, but…

Mostly I blame initiation trauma on any adult that tolerates let alone encourages initiation of any form, and I think they should be sacked immediately. There is no excuse for it, no possible benefit for anyone, and it causes potential significant harm to the victims of it. The degree to which adults allow this tradition is disgraceful. There is nothing whatsoever funny about sanctioned bullying. Here is a good rule of thumb when determining if a bullying event is taking place: If the person it is aimed at isn’t laughing with genuine spontaneous enjoyment, then it isn’t a joke. If they are crying, it isn’t a joke. Bingo. It is not character building. There are not benefits from dark and ugly human instincts. The only “life lesson” high school initiation teaches is that people with power are allowed to abuse it and to bully people with less power. You must fit in and beg acceptance from the stronger and more powerful schoolmates.

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Mostly I blame initiation trauma on any adult that tolerates let alone encourages initiation of any form, and I think they should be sacked immediately. There is no excuse for it, no possible benefit for anyone, and it causes potential significant harm to the victims of it.

Psychological symptoms may emerge immediately after initiation trauma, or symptoms may appear later. Those who have a history of trauma may be even more at risk for negative psychological reactions to initiation hazing. The hazing may trigger reactions to previous victimization, which can have devastating consequences for the victim. Unfortunately, someone who has been the victim of hazing is also more likely to haze or bully others in the future.

Stories about bullied teens taking their own lives are too numerous to ignore. There is a link between bullying and suicide, and an urgency to understand the complexity that drives victims from depression and hopelessness to ideation and action. Still, because bullying can be a catalyst for suicide, its significance should not be overlooked. When kids who are at risk for suicide because of depression or other mental health issues are bullied, the results can be disastrous.

Even relatively well-adjusted kids that are bullied can become depressed and contemplate suicide. Suddenly that first week of 9th grade, I feigned terrible headaches and stomachaches, and out of the blue I was begging to stay home. I was absolutely terrified and it made me physically sick. But again, I thought of the possible brutal retaliation of “tattling,” so I shut my mouth up tight immediately. No, siree.

What does a parent do? One of the best ways to help your child overcome bullying is to make sure your child is comfortable talking with you. You also should make a commitment to help them resolve the issue. Follow up with the school until the issue is addressed. The process of overcoming bullying can be long. There will be good days and bad days, but as a parent, you need to be committed to the process. Bullying often escalates over time and often doesn’t disappear without consistent intervention.

Bullying was a foreign concept to me. I had never been purposefully humiliated in my life, and no one was ever blatantly mean to me. Other than high school initiation, I was never the recipient of bullying. Not so with others. There were those in class who were bullied all year long, day after day, year after year. I did not want to be in their shoes. I got a taste of what they were going through, and I didn’t want to be the one that had ink spilled on me and got spit on every day. Or worse yet, the day a boy was made to climb to the top of the flagpole or else have his pants ripped off. He was crying (remember the rule of thumb?), and he didn’t fall to his death (thankfully) onto the concrete. He did what was asked and no one stepped in to stop it.

Who are these young people who haze their peers in such humiliating and dangerous ways? What causes them to behave so cruelly and how will their behaviors impact them later? In many cases, those who initiate or otherwise participate in hazing are not horrible, malicious people. They may believe the actions are expected of them, and that they are carrying on a tradition.

People often wonder what causes children to bully. What do they really stand to gain from this cruel behavior? The truth is that bullies are not born into this world. Bullies are raised. Although it can be difficult to find compassion for a bully, particularly when you are the target of one, there is generally a reason behind the bullying. Bullying, at its core, is a learned behavior that is used in response to stress. Bullying is an attempt to gain superiority or control over another. Perhaps they were bullied at home or learned a lack of compassion and empathy. Perhaps they have poor impulse control. Often times those who bully have less than ideal home-life situations.

I often wonder, do past bullies have regrets that affect them to this day? Do they think to themselves, did I really do this to that person? Do they know the damage they caused to some freshmen?

As a senior high student myself, when it came to initiation, I was asked by a freshman what I wanted them to “do.” I said, “Nothing.” But as this person was lighthearted and cheerfully persisting, wanting to carry out my “orders,” I asked if she wanted to carry my pencil to Mr. Lee’s math class. She did so with a smile. I had no desire to humiliate or embarrass any person in that class or any other.