Doom: Noun. Fate or destiny, especially adverse; unavoidable ill fortune; ruin; an unfavorable judgment or sentence; the Last Judgment, at the end of the world.

    In 1806, a hen in the English town of Leeds began laying eggs on which the phrase Christ is coming was written. People became convinced that Doomsday was at hand until a curious local watched the hen laying one of her prophetic eggs and discovered someone had hatched a hoax.

    More recently, others have spotted the face of Jesus in three-cheese pizza, toast, a coffee cup, a frying pan, a taco, a Walmart receipt, a pistachio nut, and a half-eaten Kit Kat bar. The pistachio-nut face of Jesus, however, also resembled Freddy Krueger and Darth Vader, and the face on the Kit Kat bar prompted some to believe that Jesus preferred Kit Kats to Twix. My major concern about the face of Jesus appearing in all those miraculous morsels is should I eat the face of Jesus? Oh, well. Thats another story.

    The truth is its eschatology time for many and the end is near. Infidels will be wiped out and the good saved, according to hundreds who have prophesied the end (including numerous Popes, Paul the Apostle, Christopher Columbus, Nostradamus, Martin Luther, Cotton Mather, John Wesley, Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, Hal Lindsey, and Charles Manson, among other notables).  

    Of course, many of those prophecies have not worked out. The Millerites April 23, 1843, prediction prompted many to sell or give away their possessions, assuming they wouldnt be needed. But the end didnt arrive and the Millerites disbanded, eventually to form what is now the Seventh Day Adventists.

    Nostradamus flexibly predicted the year 1999, seventh month missing by only 14 years. Mormon Church founder Joseph Smith called a meeting of his church leaders in February 1835 to tell them hed spoken with God and learned that Jesus would return in 56 years, after which the End Times would promptly begin. But not much happened in 1891.

    Televangelist Pat Robertson alarmed many of his 700 Club viewers when he guaranteed that by the end of 1982, there would be a judgment of the world. No final curtain here. The San Diego UFO cult Heavens Gate had it wrong when the world didnt end in 1997 (though the lives of 39 suicidal members did end on March 26). Prolific prognosticator Harold Camping, a California preacher, predicted (four times) the end via ruptures and earthquakes. Hes now retired. And who can forget the Mayan calendar prediction of the worlds end on Dec. 21, 2012?

    However, just in case some enlightened readers doubt the Doomsday inevitability, bear in mind that 12th century Irish Archbishop and prophet, Saint Malachy, predicted the end of the world would occur during the tenure of the 112th Pope (following Innocent II, Pope at the time of Malachys prophecy). Our current Pope Benedict XVI, is the 111th and hes 85!

    Its time to feel the fear and face the future. I could take up a dangerous sport, max my credit card, gorge on chocolate, build a bunker, or find God (or L. Ron Hubbard).  Or I could hunker down to watch Marx Brothers films, Road Runner cartoons, or some Countdown-to-Armageddon movies like Reign of Fire and Road Warrior.

     I could choose to be stoical (Well, what did you expect?), optimistic (Maybe this is a fresh start?), hedonistic (Lets get naked), or agnostic (Will someone please explain whats happening?)

    However the world might end baked, smashed, fried, toasted, boiled or squished we here on the Peninsula, the end of the world, must prepare for the Judgment Day.

    Dont get me wrong. Im no psychotic horse in a burning stable. Ive done my homework and I cant foresee any way out.

    Im convinced that Doomsday is coming on Sept. 21 or 22, 2013 (coinciding with my birthday and the autumnal equinox). Just to be on the safe side, I may purchase a quick ordination (online for just $32) and create my 501(c)3 nonprofit Church of the Holy Wetlands in Klipsan Beach. Ill invite Doomsday believers to donate cash, homes, RVs, boats and other properties which Ill personally and judiciously dispose for them.

    In the meantime, Ill keep a watchful eye on my eggs, frying pans, toast, tacos, pizzas, pistachio nuts, and Kit Kat bars, just in case Jesus face appears as a harbinger. And, if given the opportunity in my remaining time, Ill probably auction some of those items on eBay.

    Ocean Park resident and Doomsday expert Robert Brake can be reached at oobear@centurytel.net.