What do you do with a child who has no interest in school, no interest in his room or appearance, no interest in hobbies or sports? In short, how do you put dynamite into a child that refuses to be lit?

In his book, “Motivating Kids,” Dr. J. Zink states that parents and teachers are the most important people on the face of the earth for our children. What we think of them, say to them and do not say to them, is more important in the shaping of their development than what anyone else says to them.

Zink goes on to say that one of the keys to understanding human motivation lies in the power of the emotional response others give to our behavior. I have learned and believe that behavior is purposeful, that all behavior in children and adults is an attempt to get our needs met. For children the “A” of misbehavior stands for “attention getting.” Kids who draw powerful emotional responses for being lazy, causing disruptions, fighting with their brothers and sisters, going through your purse when you’re on the phone, taping the cat’s eyes shut, and squirting super glue into your car door locks have learned to get your complete and total attention. If you give few other behaviors complete and total attention, kids learn that anger, rage and frustration are far superior to no attention at all. Most kids get motivated in a positive direction when they experience success at getting the positive emotional attention of others. From the success of activities like learning to tie shoes, sewing on a button, cooking ramen noodles, shifting gears without causing whiplash, and other activities, children learn to feel good about themselves. Learning how to feel good about ourselves and our activities lies at the heart of motivation.

If we feel positively toward our children and confident in their abilities, they usually feel confident as well. The knowledge that they can try and most likely succeed is a powerful motivator.

Parents and teachers can “arrange” for children to have successful experiences by giving them responsibility for certain tasks that they can accomplish and feel successful after completing. Give the kind of praise that invites the child to feel pride for a job well done. “I bet you’re proud of that picture. What do you like best about your drawing.” Try to get kids to internalize feeling good about themselves, not to become praise junkies, or needing other people to determine whether they should feel good or not.

We don’t do children a favor by not expecting them to be responsible for chores around the house and for their homework at school. Feeling like a needed, valuable member of the family that contributes by helping is a good esteem builder and motivator. We need to let kids know how much we appreciate the help they give to keep the house or classroom running.

Sometimes the child who shows no interest in anything doesn’t want to take the risk because of so many previous failures. Put downs, sarcasm, and pointing out what was done wrong are not motivators for kids to do better. They reinforce a “why even try?” attitude.

Strong positive emotional response appears to be the best motivator for children. We can find something positive in everything a child does. Put a sign on the refrigerator, “Positive In, Positive Out” to remind you that your positive response motivates your child’s positive behavior. One woman who couldn’t find one decent thing about her child’s stinky room said, “your ceiling looks great.” Children will repeat behaviors that get a positive response. They will also gain the confidence to reach out and try new things.

Sherry Berteaux, BSW MA, is a licensed mental health therapist. Please submit topics or questions you would like to have addressed in Family Forum to sherryb@reachone.com or mail to the Chinook Observer, Attn: Sherry Berteaux, P.O. Box 427, Long Beach, WA 98631.