Imagine a friend who comes to visit. The first night he cooks you dinner and sets fire to your kitchen. The next morning he accidentally electrocutes the cat. He blows his nose in your curtains and never flushes the toilet.

He borrows your car and drives through the garage door, then spreads a rare infection to your kids. By the third day you make the decision. You ask him to move in with you.

Why? Why do we Americans so often invite messed-up celebrities like politicians and movie stars to “move in with us”… accepting them rather than taking them to task?

Do we want to forgive and forget? Or do we secretly admire scandalous people who screwed up royally and profited from their mistakes? I’m not sure. Consider these examples of famous failures who profited, big-time, from their screwups.

Washington, D.C. mayor Marion Berry, caught and convicted in a 1990 cocaine bust, was re-elected and served four terms as D.C. mayor. Berry is famous for quotes like “If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate” and “I promise you a police car on every sidewalk.” Marion’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

G. Gordon Liddy, chief architect of the 1972 Watergate break-in and Nixon’s dirty tricks campaign, served four and a half years in a maximum-security prison, then authored three best-sellers, hosted a radio show on Westwood One, and appeared in at least five films, including “Adventures in Spying.” Apparently, crime does pay.

An FBI man, lawyer and hypocritical right-winger, Liddy grew up admiring Hitler’s radio speeches and strangling chickens to relieve his frustrations.

Former U. S. Sen. Bob Packwood was accused of sexual misconduct. The binge drinker apparently kissed at least 18 women fully on the mouth while a five-term senator and subsequently altered his diaries to hide those “indiscretions.”

The disgraced Oregon senator resigned in 1995, then formed a highly successful lobbying and consulting firm. Gotta love that revolving door, Bob.

How about two-time Oscar-nominated actress Winona Ryder, accused and convicted of shoplifting almost $6,000 of items from Beverly Hills Saks Fifth Avenue on Dec. 12, 2001?

Previously suspected of stealing from at least two other high-end department stores, Winona was sentenced to probation, restitution of $10,055, drug and psychological counseling, and 480 hours of “community service.” What happened to her?

The fashion world embraced her! After she swiped a Marc Jacobs top, company executives asked her to model as part of the 2003 spring advertising campaign. ‘Nuff said?

Amy Fisher, the “Long Island Lolita,” the teenager who put a bullet in the head of lover Joey Buttafuoco’s wife in 1992, spent seven years in prison, was paroled, and then became – guess what – a newspaper columnist for the Long Island Ear. Amy now advises readers how to overcome “personal obstacles.” Crime pays.

Lt. Col. Oliver North. Remember him and all those medals bedecking his uniform as he swore to tell the truth about the Iran-Contra arms scandal in 1986? Ollie took the Fifth, brazenly disregarded the law, and – you guessed it – became a “real” American hero.

North morphed into a best-selling author, hosted a nationally syndicated radio talk show, and became a columnist on the Townhall network. Never imprisoned, North frequently appeared as a television commentator during the Iraqi invasion. Crime pays.

Finally, consider the case of the all-time screw-up champion, Robert McNamara, secretary of defense under JFK. The diminutive, bespectacled McNamara exemplifies a peculiar Washington D. C. phenomenon: failing up. His career was breathtaking in screwups, a clockwork progression of errors and advancement.

McNamara oversaw the production of the Edsel, served as chief architect of the Vietnam War strategy, and headed the World Bank, helping double the amount of money loaned and lost.

Then in 1995, he wrote a book, “In Retrospect: the Tragedy and Lessons of Vietnam.” Critics panned the book as mendacious, sentimental, oily in tone, and badly written. Of course, it became a bestseller.

Let’s not forget 34-year-old Anna Nicole Smith, former stripper and model who won a legal battle after the death of her wealthy 90-year-old oilman husband, J. Howard Marshall II. Though a bimbo and gold digger, Anna Nicole did get her own “reality show,” and a settlement of $88 million. Not bad.

I’ll probably never have my own syndicated radio or TV show. I haven’t been arrested, convicted, publicly ridiculed, or scandalized. So it’s highly unlikely I’ll ever “fail up.”

Observer columnist Robert Brake can be reached at oobear@pacifier.com