I’ve noticed that many well-intentioned contributors to the Observer sometimes have problems expressing themselves clearly. So – inspired by the likes of National Lampoon contributor Michael O’Donoghue and verbalist Richard Lederer – I’d like to offer some good advice about writing letters to the editor, columns, or stories.

Many years ago, O’Donoghue – a rookie writer – had the good fortune to meet the celebrated Nebraska novelist Willa Cather. With all the audacity of youth, he asked her what advice she would give a would-be writer.

She replied, “My advice to the would-be writer is that he start slowly, writing short undemanding things – things such as telegrams, flip-books, crank letters, signature scarves, spot quizzes, capsule summaries, fortune cookies and errata. Then, when he feels he’s ready, move up to the more challenging items such as mandates, objective correlatives, passion plays, pointless diatribes, minor classics, manifestos, mezzotints, oxymora, exposes, broadsides and papal bulls.

“And above all, never forget that the pen is mightier than the plowshare. By this I mean that writing, all in all, is a hell of a lot more fun than farming. For one thing, writers seldom, if ever, have to get up at five o’clock in the morning and shovel manure. As far as I’m concerned, that gives them the edge right there.”

Cather went on to tell O’Donoghue many things, wonderful and wise, probing the secrets of the writing craft, showing him how to weave a web of words and capture the fleeting stuff of life.

But when asked, “If you could only give me one rule to follow, what would it be?” Cather paused, looked down for a minute, and finally uttered, “Never wear brown shoes with a blue suit.”

What could I add to that profound advice, other than “Go to it and good luck?”

However, I do have six other suggestions that may assist aspiring contributors to the Observer or – thinking really big – major magazines, newspapers, journals, or even Hollywood.

First, be sure to write a solid “grabber”- that initial sentence of a letter or short story or column or whatever – that jolts the reader out of his complacency and arouses his curiosity, forcing him to press forward. Try something riveting like “One morning Stanley awoke from his uneasy dreams to find himself playing second violin in the Vienna Symphony.” Or “It can’t work, Horace,” she retorted, “Even if I did love you, my father would never let me marry a raccoon.”

The reader is immediately bombarded with questions like “Why won’t her father let her marry a raccoon?” “Why doesn’t she love him?” and “Can she learn to love him over time?” The reader’s interest is piqued.

Second, look for inspirational “raw material.” As professional writers will tell you, the richest source of material is your relatives, neighbors, or even total strangers. Listen closely to cab drivers, home repair people, bus riders, or tavern patrons.

Third, learn the magic phrases of journalism – key constructions that allow you to express every known human emotion. Those phrases, formerly a closely guarded secret and available to no one but accredited members of the press, can now be revealed. Try “violence flared,” “limped into port,” “wholesale destruction,” “student unrest,” “riot-torn,” “flatly denied,” “gutted by fire,” and “roving bands of rioting youths.” Watch the magical reactions when you put some combination of those to work.

Fourth, apply some of the “tricks of the trade” we journalists employ so skillfully. Here are a few of those long-suppressed tricks for your consideration. Try fear-arousal or appeals to vanity, greed, sloth, and whatever, allowing you to lure the reader through your story or book, chapter by chapter, until they finish.

Fifth, always write a strong ending to your story. If you feel your tale has run its course and you see no way to satisfactorily end it (or, in literary parlance, “wrap it up”), resolve the problem with a Michael O’Donoghue trick. Just say, “Suddenly, everyone was run over by a truck.” You’ll be surprised by how many different settings and situations this ending applies to.

Sixth, try to capture the reader’s attention with imaginative titles like “Leading psychologists explain why there should be more violence on television,” “Microsoft patents ones, zeros,” “Ocean Park secedes from Long Beach Peninsula,” or “Long Beach – last of the wide-open towns.”

I hope that some of this advice helps aspiring Observer contributors or, at least, discourages some pointless diatribes.

Robert Brake is a freelance writer, college teacher and marketing consultant who can be reached at oobear@pacifier.com